Beware the Harlequinn
by Alexander Collins
Summary: Dr. Harleen Quinzel wanted nothing more than to study Arkham Asylum's most infamous inmate. What she did not know was how far off the edge she would be taken in the progress
1. Chapter 1

Ever since she was a child growing up in the trailer park Harleen Quinzel wanted to figure out what made people tick. Why they stole, why they fell in love, why they would kill. She dedicated her entire life to psychology. Eventually she found a job at the infamous Arkham Asylum. She heard plenty of rumors about how it was full of criminals and psychopaths and she was ready for each and every one of them. But there was one she had special eyes on…

"Are you sure you want to be in there alone with him lady? You heard the rumors about him right?" the guard asked.

"Oh I'm fully aware of what he is capable of. So if you don't mind, please open the vault door. This 'Joker' is waiting for me….

"My, what a brave little girl you are to have me in here with no guards of locks. Not even my usual straightjacket. They told you what I'm capable of didn't you? Aren't you afraid of what I might do to you… or your family?" The Joker wore his usual prison jumpsuit along with a very malicious smile. As though he had already done it.

Dr. Quinzel was slightly amused. "Not really. I don't really like my family and as for you I'm not that afraid. See in my eyes you are just another psychopath with bleached skin. I'm here to see what makes you tick. To get inside that head of yours. So I'm not going to ask you how you feel or how your childhood was. I'm sure you won't really remember."

"Are you sure you don't want to ask Doc? I've got quite the past. I came from another planet you see. My parents sent me here from Krypton when they thought the planet's core was self-destructing course they didn't know that I was responsible for it and I poisoned them before I left. The Joker laughed manniacly at his retelling of his 'childhood'.

The good doctor was not that amused anymore. "First of all we both know that is not really your origin. That's Superman's. Second of all enough with the jokes. I came to ask you only one question."

He actually frowned at her tone of voice. "Not one for jokes are you? I'll remember that." He said ominously. "So what is that big bad question you want to ask me? Why I decided to become a criminal?"

"No Joker the question I want to ask you is: Why exactly did you decide to become insane?"

The only sound between in that room was the sound of the AC above them. Doctor Quinzel had obviously asked a very though provoking question. One that actually made Him pause to think of his next choice of words.

"Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose. But can we live without them? Memories are what our reason is based upon. If we can't face them, we deny reason itself. Although, why not? We aren't contractually tied down to rationality. There is no sanity clause. So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness. Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away...forever…"

She was extremely surprised at the tone of voice he had taken. He almost sounded…human.

"Where did that come from" she asked

"Where did what come from?" she asked. Joker actually seem confused. "Where did what come from?"

"That speech…" she said irritatingly "…those words. Why did you said that. What did you remember?

"Sorry Doc…" he shrugged "…but I don't know what you're talking about." Dr. Quinzel took of her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Alright, we clearly hit a wall here lets try again tomorrow….

She came back the next few days to interview him. Each day he would tell a joke and each time she would stand there stoned face. He would her out on this a few times and each time she would say its because she was not funny. She was driving home one night talking to herself. "He's fighting me. He doesn't seem to want to remember his past or his first fight with batman. I'll have to recommend some hypnosis to see if we can probe his mind…."

As she drove home trying to figure out her next course of action she did not seem to notice the bright light ahead if her….

She woke up tied to a chair in a warehouse. She tried to struggle but the restraints were tight. She was leaning over the railway teetering behind a vat of bubbling chemicals. She realized that she was trapped in the old Ace Chemicals facility. But who brought her here? "Good morning dear doctor! Glad you're awake. Wouldn't want you to miss the spectacle." The Joker approached her dressed in his usual three piece suit complete with flower lapel that released joker toxin. "What is this? Where am I?!" she asked frantically. "Oh now you show emotion. Too sad, too late. Remember what you asked me all those weeks ago? What was it? Why did I decide to go insane? Well I pondered on that for a while and I came up with an answer. A real answer you see. What better way to let other people see things the way you do then by making them walk a mile in their shoes."

"W-what?!" Harleen panicked "wait a minute…" before she could continue she was sprayed with Joker Toxin from his lapel flower. She began to laugh uncontrollably "Oh and Ms. Quinzel? When I said 'walk' I actually meant swim!" He pushed her into the vat and she sank to the bottom. He moved over to a nearby console and pushed a large red button. She was flushed down the drain with the fluids…

"Well now that that's done, I feel like Chinese. Maybe I'll see what bats is up to." He laughed manically as he left the warehouse…


	2. Harley Hits The Town

Outside of the ACE Chemicals plant it was deathly still. NO one knew that Dr. Harleen Quinzel was gone. Flushed away as the latest victim of a psychotic clown. Nearby a sewer lid began to stir. It suddenly flew from its manhole cover when a …. Creature kicked it. She giggled maniacally as she peeked out to observe her surroundings. Suddenly she leapt out and landed gracefully on her feel. Her hair was messy and discolored with one side bright red and the other side black. Her clothes were tattered and torn showing her underwear. Her eyes were buggy and darting as though looking for a strong male jump and attack. She wore a sadistic smile that showed her insanity and her skin was as white as chalk. "Symptoms of schizophrenia include hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior and EMOTIONAL FLATNESS!" She stretched out her arms and started fluttering her lips like an airplane and ran off into the night…

Everyone in Gotham was smart enough to stay out of dark alleys at night. Except for one crazed girl who was once a sort of sane doctor. She ran though the alley laughing madly as she knocked over a trash can. "Feeling good… for a dead girl!" she laughed at her own joke. She walked past a mirror and noticed her look. "Holey ravioli rigatoni!" she cried. She leapt backwards surprising herself as she grabbed a nearby streetlight. "Okay I'm pretty sure I couldn't leap like that before. I need to slow down a bit. Try to figure out logically what's going on with me." She tapped her chin with her finger as she tried to remember what happened to her. Suddenly she felt a knife run through her head. "Owowowowowowow!" she cried. She grabbed her head as she waited for the pain to subside… "Okay" she groaned. "We'll come back to that. She noticed a light coming from an apartment building nearby. She ran over and climbed up to find out who it was. She saw a young good looking man shaving his face. He noticed a woman in the reflection and suddenly turned around. "Excuse me handsome but I seem to have a bit of trouble. Could you…?" he suddenly screamed like a girl and ran out of the room. "Okay cutie love you!" she called. She climbed back down and leaned against a wall. "Well he was no help at all. Wait a minute…" A picture flashed though her head. A laughing clown waving goodbye to her as she fell. She ground her teeth in anger and her pupils shrink to near nothing as she remembered her patient. "So that Joker guy did this to me huh?! He going to pay big time!" She looked down at her torn lab coat and exposed panties. "But first" she groaned. I need a change in wardrobe…

She found a nearby costume store and ran inside, immediately scaring away all of the customers aside except for the disinterested clerk behind the counter. "Okay, let's see what I have to work hear." She tore through the clothes on the racks. She sighed as she found nothing that spoke to her. She noticed a pair of checker patterned tight pants and got an idea…

She stepping out of the changing booth a changed woman. She wore the tight pants she found along with a top that was black on one side and red on the other for a hat she wore a harlequin mask that covered her face and showed her eyes. Overall the costume she wore in "Batman: Assault on Arkham". "Well what do you think?" she asked the clerk. She chewed her gum and gave a thumbs up showing her approval despite her bored look. "Paper or plastic?" she asked. Harley slapped down a mask so hard it cracked. "Plastic! Ha, ha! Get it?"…


	3. The Harlequin and the Joker

"Hey did you guys hear? Mr. J broke out of Arkham again! This time he took some broad with her down to the old chemical place."

"Heh! You know what that means: some brats not seeing her mommy tonight… Or ever again for that matter!"

They all laughed at Bongo's Joke. The Broken Dice was the main hot spot for most of Joker's henchmen. When they weren't cooking Joker toxin or busting skulls there were either drinking cheap beer or throwing darts at a board with a picture of the Dark Knight. Since they worked for the Clown Prince of Crime they all wore clown makeup and the dank room was slightly brightened with balloons with deadly weapons and knives inside. "We should do something tonight." one of them stated. "I feel like getting the old blood pumping…"

"I think I can help you with that boys." They all turned their heads to the new entrant. She must have been one of the regular call girls since she wore a slutty clown outfit. She strutted forward to the nearest and leaned in closely. He smelled like beer and paint but she didn't care. She came in on business.

"Let me guess little lady, you a recent clown school graduate?"

She gripped the goon's crotch and whispered "Catholic school and I've been very naughty. I need to be punished. Any of you got a yardstick?"

"Woah nelly!" Bongo exclaimed "Mr. J knows how to take care of his boys!"

"Speaking of 'Mr. J', you wouldn't happen to know where I can find him would you. I would love to meet him."

"Why go all that way when you got three perfectly good men right here?" he asked.

She pushed him onto the bar table and gripped harder. "Really, why don't you tell me where he is or do I have to do something incredibly violent?" The goon sneered and flipped her over as he grabbed her wrists with his hands. "You want to play rough huh sweetie? Alright. Hope you don't have to be anywhere important soon…" he bent down for a kiss not noticing her eye twitching. "Your call…"

Her head shot up as she bit down on his cheek hard enough to actually draw blood. With a jerk of her head she tore a chunk of flesh from his flash and spat it to her side. The goon screamed in pain as he jumped back and clutched his wound. "YOU CRAZY BITCH!" he grabbed a nearby bottle and smashed it against the wall, intending to pay back the injury, over her ovaries. He thrusted it forward as she simply ducked, grabbed his wrist and twisted it hard enough to break it. He suddenly dropped the glass as she brought her elbow up to his nose and broke it. Blood shot from his nose as he fell over with a thud. She twirled broken bottle in her trying to decide which of the thug's sternum she was going to stab it into. "So who's next?" she asked sadistically.

Bongo pulled out a butterfly knife while another picked up a pool cue "Oh your dead bitch…" Bongo sneered…

One hour later all three were tied up with Christmas lights covered in various wounds with the clown girl standing over them twirling the knife in her hand. Her clothes were tattered and her left eye was bruised but other than that, she looked pretty satisfied with herself. " _Been a while since I had some fun like that."_ She mused.

"So… which of you 'gentlemen'…" she said with air quotes "…Are going to help me look for the Joker? Or do I have to start cutting body parts?"

"You don't scare us lady. We went toe to toe with the Batman and walked away in one piece" Bongo bragged.

"Didn't he like, break your leg in three places?" the goon on his left asked left. A dirty sideways glance quickly shut him up.

"Quiet!" she shrieked. "Unless the next words out of your dirty goon mouths is your bosses' whereabouts, I'm going to cut your tongues out and stick them in your assholes! Ya got me?!"

Before she could finish her threat a goon hiding in the bathroom suddenly snuck up behind her and grabbed her wrist. With one fluid motion, he grabbed the knife from her hand and slit her throat with it. She fell to the floor gurgling on her own blood as Bobo walked over to his comrades.

"Serves the bitch right for thinking she could mess with us" Bongo laughed. They were all enjoying their victory so much they didn't notice that she slowly began to get up. She could feel the hole in her neck beginning to stitch itself back together until she was fully healed. "Oh this is going to be _real_ helpful" she thought. With a blood curdling scream she leapt up and grabbed Bobo in a headlock. He stumbled around with the clown girl riding piggyback, squeezing until he either passed out or died. He tried to bash her against the wall but it only seemed to reinforce her hold. All the while she laughed maniacally as the light left his eyes. Eventually he collapsed onto the floor with the lady standing over him, satisfied with her work. She turned to the thigs who looked absolutely terrified… "Alright you rats…" she said with a strange calmness."… One of your friends just tried to kill me and you saw what happened to him. Unless you want me to do something even more horrible to you start talking. NOW!"

"Look lady, please don't hurt us! We'll tell you anything you want. He's at his lab! It's in an abandoned warehouse in Old Gotham! Please don't hurt us!" one of them cried.

"See? Was that so hard?" she said sweetly. She kneeled down and pointed the knife in front of his eye. "Now… which warehouse would that be exactly?"

"T-the address is in my shirt pocket!"

"Great!" she pulled a piece of paper out of his shirt along with his keys. "Oh, how sweet of you to offer little old me your ride. Now, which one outside would it be?" she cooed.

"T-the Harley…" he stammered fearfully.

"Harley… yes! A new life begets a new name and I think I know what it is. Harleen Quinzel is no more!" she flourished. "From now on I am… drum roll… I said Drumroll!" she slapped the top of the goon's heads like a drum.

"I…am… Harley Quinn!"

The thugs simply stared at her. "Are you sure you're not a hooker?" They asked stupidly. Harley's eyes began to twitch dangerously again…


End file.
